my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
