is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You're a waste of cheezeits
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
