please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
