just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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