the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
