I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
