I'm going to jail i love you
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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