I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
