i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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