Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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