I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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