I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
