Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
