i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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