Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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