he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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