Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
