So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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