K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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