Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
