If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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