he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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