We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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