I accidentally had phone sex last night
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
