Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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