Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's shark week go big or go home
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
