No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
