his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
