Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
