people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
3pm strippers are depressing
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
