I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
