so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
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i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
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The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize