so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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