Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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