its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
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its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
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Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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