I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
