finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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