So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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