Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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