He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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