i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
i now understand why vodka
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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