dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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