i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
