before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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