I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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