if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Can you bring me the toilet please
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
