did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
