I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
