I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
