I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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