I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
