dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
