i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
