Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
