Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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