Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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